Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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