I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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