And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
