i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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