Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
