areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
