Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize