did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
