I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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