fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
