i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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