pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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