Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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