don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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