I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
