my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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