The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
