i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
