I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
