Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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