The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
