Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
where are my eyebrows?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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