I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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