After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
