Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Randomize
