Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
