I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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