I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
