Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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