I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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