i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
