i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
operation harelip BJ is a go
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
