I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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