$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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