Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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