The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
