Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
