I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You're a waste of cheezeits
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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