i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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