we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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