Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
