Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
