Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
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Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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