just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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