I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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