She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
