I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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