So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
