me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
