don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
