you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You can't just leave with hair like that
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just puked most of my soul out..
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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