Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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