and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
