her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
