I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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