oh god the rape fog is back!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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