I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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